wow…

sometimes i think im too awkward to be alive…

so… ive been hanging out with this guy the last couple of days… which has been alot of fun.  he’s so different from the people im used to hanging out with, but he’s… i dunno… he’s comfortable and confident in his own skin in a way that is incredibly rare and makes me want to spend more time with him, but simultaneously makes me really nervous (in a good way… in an exciting, butterflies-in-stomach kind of way).  annnyways… i made a gigantic ass out of myself in front of/to him last night right as the night ended.   i tried to kiss him goodnight from outside the minivan he was driving, but got *really* nervous, choked, and ended up awkwardly kissing his eye/side of his nose/parts of his face that i did not originally intend to shower my affection upon.  yeah… retrospectively… its rather hilarious, and maybe i can use it in a movie one day… but what made it even more awkward was that the minivan (that i had, moments before said disastrous kiss, been a passenger of) was FILLED with his friends…

so yeah… i made a gigantic awkward arse of myself in front of a whole bunch of people and the guy im totally crushing on.  how tragic.

also… please note… that this guy… is one of the “cool kids” or… i think he is…  well at least compared to my dorky, artsy-fartsy, nerdy, awkward self.

::sigh:: i constantly overanalyze… everything… im always too hard on myself… and i just cant seem to be able to stop judging myself and being so… in my head.

grrr… if ive learned anything about myself, its that im incredibly intolerant and impatient with myself… and the whole night i kept silently cursing myself for not having the courage to… well… i dunno… just *do something*

blarrrrgh…