so… this post is gonna be one part emo, one part self-deprecating, one part overwhelmed, one part scared, and possible one part hopeful.
what set this all off is really silly. for serious. but… it all kindof snowballed and freaked me out enough that i have to write something down to try and sort through my jumbled brain.
so… i auditioned for a show, and i didnt get cast. its not that big of a deal. seriously. and i dont know why i let it get to me… but for some strange reason it has. i mean… in my field, rejection is a part of job description, right? right. but… then again… what *is* my field?
the further i get into rehearsals in the colorado shakespeare festival, the more and more i realize how much of an outsider i feel like in the traditional theatre world. but… when it comes to post-modern, avant-garde, progressive “performance art” world… i still feel out of place. im not normal enough for the traditionalists and im not avant enough for the avant-garde.
and so here i am. a nebulous amalgam of two vastly different worlds trying to make sense inside my body.
i had a conversation with a friend today about “art”. good, bad, and the idea of passing judgement on something/someone in the name of…art. and in this conversation i finally articulated my theory that it doesnt matter who says what about anyone’s art. it really doesnt. the only thing that matters is that my own aesthetic becomes sharpened with all of the art i encounter. whatever resonates (be it good or bad) from other peoples’ expression, transcends the silly labels of “good” and “bad”… and that resonance can fuel inspiration, or frustration, or awe, or disgust… and in the end, it makes a mark, for better or for worse, on…well… my aesthetic.
anyways… i should have included “one part ramble” in the recipe for this post…
so. since i didnt get cast, my reasons for staying in boulder after my contract with CSF is over are becoming rather thin. i know that i dont want to leave… and yet simultaneously i do. and yet… the day when i have to make an actual decision on whether or not i stay or go is drawing closer, and i dont know any more than i did a month ago. i mean… if auditions for another show that i want to be in come up, will i just go and do that? is my life just going to be a cycle of auditions, rejections, and occasional successes? why is the primary way to get a job as a performing artist so ridiculously un-holistic and impersonal? is that really the next step my life is going to take? am i going to be trapped doing work that barely resonates with me for the rest of life just because its the only type of work that will pay?
…how am i going to change the world with my art if my art never gets made?
where am i going to go? what is the next step i need to take in order to get to my future goals?
and why the fuck is everyone else so happily in love? and why does that make me feel so fucking alone and depressed? it seems like everyone else has someone sometimes.
so… thats whats been going on in my head the last couple of days. i totally understand if no one reads this… actually it’d probably be better if no one did… because im pretty sure i sound like a big bag of crazy.
i should probably stop here… so i will. dont worry friends and lovers, i’ll get out of this place soon… hopefully…
