so much to catch up on…

so… i havent posted in a while…

because ive been super busy.

first order of business… MY SHOW OPENS ON THURSDAY!!!!

for more information:  http://unrecuerdo.wordpress.com

it is a site-specific interdisciplinary (dance, theatre, music, installation work) performance that addresses the closing of boulder’s only dual-immersion bilingual school (the performance takes place in the actual school building and we utilize classrooms, hallways, and the interior and exterior walls).  tackling issues of (mis)eduacation, immigration, and identity, while exploring the namesake of the school, george washington.

so yeah… if youre in the area, you should come.  its gonna be rockin.

also, in news… ive been sewing again!  i know that kinda sounds crazy, but after some (slightly) traumatic experiences in the past, sewing left a bad taste in my mouth, but… inspiriation has struck and washed away the grossness of the past with a cool minty kind of awesome.

basically, i made my jacket for the show, but… its not just a costume for a performance, because im probably going to end up wearing this jacket just… all the time.

and, note, that i didnt make it entirely, i actually cut up an already existing jacket and moved this around and added stuff and changed things… and it all turned out surprisingly great!  its incredibly unique and striking, which is how i like to roll.  hopefully you guys’ll think its as cool as i do… either that or you wont, and i’ll feel like a crazy person. either way:

so… yeah… its got an asymmetrical design with rough edges.  its a pretty dramatic looking piece of clothing… when i wear it, i feel kindof like an anime-punk-ninja.

but yeah.  thats the news!

oh, and i’ll be back in/around chicago in a week or so.

 

a question…

guinea pigs are neither italian nor swine…

whats up with that?

 

…a brilliant thought

mango hi-chew is the result of a delicious mango lassi mating with a starburst.

think about it.

 

“blog? what blog?” and “Road Trip ‘08! part one”

grievous apologies for the silence as of late!

its september already… damn, where did the summer go?!

oh. right. i sacrificed my summer to shakespeare, hehe.

i know its been a while since ive done a post, and i apologize profusely, as soon as the shakespeare festival got into full swing, my schedule got a little ridiculous, and then i moved… and didnt have internet for a while… the the festival closed, i moved again, got adjusted, and was on vacation in chicago visiting my family.

but… last night at around 5 pm, i embarked on a journey (sound cue 24, “dont stop believing” by journey… go).

point of departure: vernon hills, illinois

point of arrival: champaign-urbana, illinois.

now… this is merely the first leg of the road trip that will ultimately take me back to boulder, colorado (where i live).  and i dont have to be there until sunday night, so… im gonna take my time and enjoy the wonders of the open road.  (it also helps that i have a fancy new car !!!)  yes yes ladies and gentlemen, you heard right… this once-unwavering supporter of public and eco-friendly alternatives to transportation is now a fossil-fuel squandering plebian.  ::sigh::

okay… enough with the self-disparagement…

my car *rocks*

its a 2009 (yes… brand spanky-new!) Scion xB… oh yeah… a boxy-mcgee, slightly awkward, seemingly absurd, but all sorts of amazing car.

so.. *why* am i in champaign-urbana right now?  welllll… theres actually quite alot to it.  mostly its because theres a certain someone who lives here that ive been crushing on for quite a while, whom ive gotten to spend some time with this past weekend up in chicago, in addition to the fact that my brother lives here, and so do alot of my friends, not to mention the university i used to attend before i went to naropa is a mere 45 minutes away (which i will be visiting later today!).  but… currently, im sitting in a closed cupcake/tea/coffee shop (that my friend diana works at) enjoying the aroma of cupcakes in the oven, sipping on some chilled black blackcurrant tea.  being back in central illinois (even though it hasnt even been 12 hours since ive gotten here) is slightly surreal… but good.  its been making me think about where ive come from, how much ive changed over the last 2+ years since going out to colorado, and… i guess im just thankful for all of the experiences ive had that led up to that point (even the shitty ones).

anyways… i wont bore you all any more while im waxing nostalgic and contemplative, but stay tuned for more correspondance!

next stop on the road trip:  kansas city!!  i dont care if its missouri or kansas, it just better look out, cuz im a-comin’!

 

…back to square one

so… this post is gonna be one part emo, one part self-deprecating, one part overwhelmed, one part scared, and possible one part hopeful.

what set this all off is really silly.  for serious.  but… it all kindof snowballed and freaked me out enough that i have to write something down to try and sort through my jumbled brain.

so… i auditioned for a show, and i didnt get cast.  its not that big of a deal.  seriously.  and i dont know why i let it get to me… but for some strange reason it has.  i mean… in my field, rejection is a part of job description, right?  right.  but… then again… what *is* my field?  

the further i get into rehearsals in the colorado shakespeare festival, the more and more i realize how much of an outsider i feel like in the traditional theatre world.  but… when it comes to post-modern, avant-garde, progressive “performance art” world… i still feel out of place.  im not normal enough for the traditionalists and im not avant enough for the avant-garde.  

and so here i am.  a nebulous amalgam of two vastly different worlds trying to make sense inside my body.

i had a conversation with a friend today about “art”.  good, bad, and the idea of passing judgement on something/someone in the name of…art.  and in this conversation i finally articulated my theory that it doesnt matter who says what about anyone’s art.  it really doesnt.  the only thing that matters is that my own aesthetic becomes sharpened with all of the art i encounter.  whatever resonates (be it good or bad) from other peoples’ expression, transcends the silly labels of “good” and “bad”… and that resonance can fuel inspiration, or frustration, or awe, or disgust… and in the end, it makes a mark, for better or for worse, on…well… my aesthetic.  

anyways… i should have included “one part ramble” in the recipe for this post…

so.  since i didnt get cast, my reasons for staying in boulder after my contract with CSF is over are becoming rather thin.  i know that i dont want to leave… and yet simultaneously i do.  and yet… the day when i have to make an actual decision on whether or not i stay or go is drawing closer, and i dont know any more than i did a month ago.  i mean… if auditions for another show that i want to be in come up, will i just go and do that? is my life just going to be a cycle of auditions, rejections, and occasional successes?  why is the primary way to get a job as a performing artist so ridiculously un-holistic and impersonal?  is that really the next step my life is going to take?  am i going to be trapped doing work that barely resonates with me for the rest of life just because its the only type of work that will pay?

…how am i going to change the world with my art if my art never gets made?

where am i going to go?  what is the next step i need to take in order to get to my future goals?  

and why the fuck is everyone else so happily in love? and why does that make me feel so fucking alone and depressed?  it seems like everyone else has someone sometimes.  

so… thats whats been going on in my head the last couple of days.  i totally understand if no one reads this… actually it’d probably be better if no one did… because im pretty sure i sound like a big bag of crazy.

 

i should probably stop here… so i will.  dont worry friends and lovers, i’ll get out of this place soon… hopefully…

 

happy zombie jesus day!!!!

…he died for your sins, he came back for your brains!!!!!

hehe annnnyways… MY THESIS IS OVER AND DONE WITH!!!

AND ITS NOW OFFICIALLY SPRING BREAK!!!!!

for those of you who didnt know, my thesis project/performance which… is basically the last thing that stands between me and a fancy piece of paper that tells the world that i can move good, sound pretty, and lie… really really well (technically its a BFA in Contemporary Performance) happened this weekend.

the show is/was called Peripeteia, and is/was an original, ensemble-created, interdisciplinary theatre/dance/music  piece.  it was kindof awesome.  im gonna look through the video i have of it, and after im done adding it to my dvd portfolio, maybe i’ll post some parts of it up.

annnnyways… its now easter.  and im celebrating.  its also spring break.  and i am *so* close to being done with undergrad… its kindof terrifying.

 

catharsis and explosion

shit hit the fan tonight at my house.

everyone came clean, all the chips were finally on the table, and i heard some things that i needed to hear.  and i said some things that needed to be said.

the tension that was festering just below the surface for everyone was finally addressed, and the stagnant, suffocating air was been cleared somewhat.  and i think that ive started a journey in getting my friends back.

this post is kindof vague, but i just needed to get something down.

i vow to call people out and call myself out right when the need occurs.

i vow to use loving kindness when doing said “calling out”

and i vow to try and hold the space for what is being said to me… when i get called out.

apparently im gonna try this.  we’ll see how it goes.

 

surreality

so… today started out like my normal tuesdays go… i have my alarm set so i can wake up and face another day of “the module”.  (“the module” refers to my courseload that goes towards my degree…and basically it means class from 10-5 every day…and its not just like… froofy acting class shit… its really hard.  ballet technique, linklater voice work, suzuki, viewpoints, and gratowski… it kicks our asses every day)  annnnyways… my morning routine usually involves some sort of negotiating with my alarm clock and cajoling it for a few extra minutes of glorious sleep, and then i finally realize that if i dont get up and get my shit together, im going to be late… and being late sucks.  so… i rush, get ready, and whisk off to the bus stop to get to campus.

so i get to campus, and im in the locker room putting my stuff away and getting ready for ballet, and i get a phone call from my brother.

apparently my grandfather passed away this morning.

a great way to start the day, huh?  i guess all day i’ve felt like im inside some sort of surreal bubble.  and when everyone offers condolences and words of sympathy/empathy… i dunno… i just feel kindof numb.  people ask “oh, were you close to your grandfather?” and… i dont know how to answer that.  well… i guess i was close? as close as one can be to a stoic, traditional, emotionally distant, asian grandfather…

ever summer of my life until i was 16 i spent at my grandparents’ house in seoul.  and when i went to uni. they ended up moving into my parents’ house in chicago for a couple years.  theyve always been a part of my life, but ive never had a real conversation with them as people.  i realized earlier today that my grandfather never really told me stories or gave me life lessons or took me fishing or any of the stereotypical stuff that grandfathers are supposed to do.  i barely even knew him.  so… why do i feel a sense of loss and pain?  i guess maybe its regret.  i regret that i never got to know any of my grandparents on a personal level… and i regret that my grandparents never got to see me… for… well… me.

gah… annyways… i’ll probably clean up this post and stuff, i just needed to get some of this out of my system…

 

a night of ridiculousness…

so… last night i was in rare form.

not only did i decide to get silly and debaucherous… i got black-out drunk

i rarely, if ever, get blackout drunk, but apparently, the perfect combination to do so is to have the flu for an entire week, do nothing, sleep alot, and then the moment you get better, drink a bottle of jack daniels.  that’ll get ya there.  or at least it’ll get me there.

so… much of today has been spent hearing stories from people about what exactly i did last night.

apparently i drunk dialed… alot of people.

apparently i cried when my friend Tom showed me his tattoo

apparently i made out with 4 different girls… all of whom are very good friends of mine

apparently i smoked

apparently i played DDR…and well

and heres the kicker… apparently i tried to sleep with one of my closest friends and housemates, terri.  and thank god she was sober resisted my advances, cuz had it happened… id definitely be regretting it.  but damn… i feel like an asshole bastard.

so far… thats all thats been told back to me.  maybe theres more… maybe there isnt… but god damn, i sure feel like a dumbass.  and i know that all of my friends still love me and that everything happened in the name of drunken silliness… but i think im just… really surprised with myself, and kindof disappointed.

…curse you jack daniels.  curse you hard.

in the category of “silly experiences in my life that will probably come back to haunt me”… this is up at the top.  ::sigh::  welp, at least i didnt end up calling huey on the big white telephone…

 

…overwhelmed and at a crossroads

so… im currently a big mess

i have the flu

i’ve had way too much time on my hands this week, because ive been staying home sick

im in the bathtub right now

ive been spending all of my “free time” pondering about the future… my future… after i graduate

im listening to “this american life” at the moment… and its about prisoners doing hamlet… and im trying my hardest to not start bawling

and i have no idea what im doing with my life

im coming to realize that i want to do *so* much. now that im graduating… i feel like i have such little time. is this normal? i feel like there is SO much that im meant to do…

is it weird to think that im destined to do great things? like… change the world?

right now the only thing is that i feel stifled and overwhelmed by the expanse of paths that will open up for my life when i graduate. and i have to be making decisions soon, or else my decision will be made for me by external forces (mostly deadlines…)

i want to go to grad school

i want to grow deeper in my studies as a theater/dance/performance artist (namely viewpoints, suzuki, gratowski work, and moment work)

i want to do a meditation retreat

i want to become one of the youngest certified teachers of stage combat in the Society of American Fight Directors

i want to go back to ireland

i want to fall in love again

i want to find an old master of a martial art that means something to me, go hide out in the mountains and just train and learn and devote myself to the art

i want to just… dance

i want to live in a big city and find an ensemble that i can make work with

i want to bring the training and the experiences i have been able to have as a performing artist at this little hippie buddhist college and spread it to the traditional theatre world

i just need to figure out which one of these to do first…