this is what i do… pt. 1

how’ere… have no fear! i am blogging!!

now… to some, i might seem enigmatic. and i guess i dont meant to ever come off like that, but it seems to happen alot. but annnwayys… the next few posts over the next few weeks will be for all of you who’d like to get to know me better… i guess i’ll be sharing a bit of myself with you all.

so… i am a dance/theatre artist currently finishing his last term of undergraduate education, pursuing a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Contemporary Performance from Naropa University. now… i guess i never get the opportunity to share my “professional” or “artistic” side with all the people i encounter online… but now, im going to be posting work that i have been making, collaborating, and performing in. i figure i’ll go back to when i first landed in colorado, having moved to boulder after living in Cardiff, Wales, (which would be August of 2006) and present work from my entire “colorado adventure” thus far, including my thesis show, which just closed 2 weekends ago.

so basically… its all interdisciplinary performance. its original and self-created… annnyways, its hard to explain, so why dont you see for yourself!

heres a clip i *just* found out was on youtube… its the opening excerpt from a piece entitled “Evensong” and it was the first production i became involved with when i came out to colorado (the performance happened in mid december 2006). and, im the big asian one with the mohawk. ;

 

happy zombie jesus day!!!!

…he died for your sins, he came back for your brains!!!!!

hehe annnnyways… MY THESIS IS OVER AND DONE WITH!!!

AND ITS NOW OFFICIALLY SPRING BREAK!!!!!

for those of you who didnt know, my thesis project/performance which… is basically the last thing that stands between me and a fancy piece of paper that tells the world that i can move good, sound pretty, and lie… really really well (technically its a BFA in Contemporary Performance) happened this weekend.

the show is/was called Peripeteia, and is/was an original, ensemble-created, interdisciplinary theatre/dance/music  piece.  it was kindof awesome.  im gonna look through the video i have of it, and after im done adding it to my dvd portfolio, maybe i’ll post some parts of it up.

annnnyways… its now easter.  and im celebrating.  its also spring break.  and i am *so* close to being done with undergrad… its kindof terrifying.

 

catharsis and explosion

shit hit the fan tonight at my house.

everyone came clean, all the chips were finally on the table, and i heard some things that i needed to hear.  and i said some things that needed to be said.

the tension that was festering just below the surface for everyone was finally addressed, and the stagnant, suffocating air was been cleared somewhat.  and i think that ive started a journey in getting my friends back.

this post is kindof vague, but i just needed to get something down.

i vow to call people out and call myself out right when the need occurs.

i vow to use loving kindness when doing said “calling out”

and i vow to try and hold the space for what is being said to me… when i get called out.

apparently im gonna try this.  we’ll see how it goes.

 

surreality

so… today started out like my normal tuesdays go… i have my alarm set so i can wake up and face another day of “the module”.  (“the module” refers to my courseload that goes towards my degree…and basically it means class from 10-5 every day…and its not just like… froofy acting class shit… its really hard.  ballet technique, linklater voice work, suzuki, viewpoints, and gratowski… it kicks our asses every day)  annnnyways… my morning routine usually involves some sort of negotiating with my alarm clock and cajoling it for a few extra minutes of glorious sleep, and then i finally realize that if i dont get up and get my shit together, im going to be late… and being late sucks.  so… i rush, get ready, and whisk off to the bus stop to get to campus.

so i get to campus, and im in the locker room putting my stuff away and getting ready for ballet, and i get a phone call from my brother.

apparently my grandfather passed away this morning.

a great way to start the day, huh?  i guess all day i’ve felt like im inside some sort of surreal bubble.  and when everyone offers condolences and words of sympathy/empathy… i dunno… i just feel kindof numb.  people ask “oh, were you close to your grandfather?” and… i dont know how to answer that.  well… i guess i was close? as close as one can be to a stoic, traditional, emotionally distant, asian grandfather…

ever summer of my life until i was 16 i spent at my grandparents’ house in seoul.  and when i went to uni. they ended up moving into my parents’ house in chicago for a couple years.  theyve always been a part of my life, but ive never had a real conversation with them as people.  i realized earlier today that my grandfather never really told me stories or gave me life lessons or took me fishing or any of the stereotypical stuff that grandfathers are supposed to do.  i barely even knew him.  so… why do i feel a sense of loss and pain?  i guess maybe its regret.  i regret that i never got to know any of my grandparents on a personal level… and i regret that my grandparents never got to see me… for… well… me.

gah… annyways… i’ll probably clean up this post and stuff, i just needed to get some of this out of my system…

 

a night of ridiculousness…

so… last night i was in rare form.

not only did i decide to get silly and debaucherous… i got black-out drunk

i rarely, if ever, get blackout drunk, but apparently, the perfect combination to do so is to have the flu for an entire week, do nothing, sleep alot, and then the moment you get better, drink a bottle of jack daniels.  that’ll get ya there.  or at least it’ll get me there.

so… much of today has been spent hearing stories from people about what exactly i did last night.

apparently i drunk dialed… alot of people.

apparently i cried when my friend Tom showed me his tattoo

apparently i made out with 4 different girls… all of whom are very good friends of mine

apparently i smoked

apparently i played DDR…and well

and heres the kicker… apparently i tried to sleep with one of my closest friends and housemates, terri.  and thank god she was sober resisted my advances, cuz had it happened… id definitely be regretting it.  but damn… i feel like an asshole bastard.

so far… thats all thats been told back to me.  maybe theres more… maybe there isnt… but god damn, i sure feel like a dumbass.  and i know that all of my friends still love me and that everything happened in the name of drunken silliness… but i think im just… really surprised with myself, and kindof disappointed.

…curse you jack daniels.  curse you hard.

in the category of “silly experiences in my life that will probably come back to haunt me”… this is up at the top.  ::sigh::  welp, at least i didnt end up calling huey on the big white telephone…

 

…overwhelmed and at a crossroads

so… im currently a big mess

i have the flu

i’ve had way too much time on my hands this week, because ive been staying home sick

im in the bathtub right now

ive been spending all of my “free time” pondering about the future… my future… after i graduate

im listening to “this american life” at the moment… and its about prisoners doing hamlet… and im trying my hardest to not start bawling

and i have no idea what im doing with my life

im coming to realize that i want to do *so* much. now that im graduating… i feel like i have such little time. is this normal? i feel like there is SO much that im meant to do…

is it weird to think that im destined to do great things? like… change the world?

right now the only thing is that i feel stifled and overwhelmed by the expanse of paths that will open up for my life when i graduate. and i have to be making decisions soon, or else my decision will be made for me by external forces (mostly deadlines…)

i want to go to grad school

i want to grow deeper in my studies as a theater/dance/performance artist (namely viewpoints, suzuki, gratowski work, and moment work)

i want to do a meditation retreat

i want to become one of the youngest certified teachers of stage combat in the Society of American Fight Directors

i want to go back to ireland

i want to fall in love again

i want to find an old master of a martial art that means something to me, go hide out in the mountains and just train and learn and devote myself to the art

i want to just… dance

i want to live in a big city and find an ensemble that i can make work with

i want to bring the training and the experiences i have been able to have as a performing artist at this little hippie buddhist college and spread it to the traditional theatre world

i just need to figure out which one of these to do first…

 

a new term…

so dear readers… break is now officially over.  I got into boulder 2 days ago and have been battling with being sick…

my last semester has just started, which is exciting and terrifying all at the same time, and hopefully i’ll be able to take it as it comes… the biggest thing on my plate is my thesis project… which has its first “official” rehearsal tomorrow.

i think the only thing i need to say right now is that i’m SO glad to be back in Boulder.  as isolated and detached from the real world as Boulder and Naropa both are… theyre rather wonderful bubbles to exist in.  Maybe its just the lack of oxygen due to altitude, or just the fact that i’m living at my own place again, but im currently in love… with everyone and everything.  i think the suburbs of chicago made me realize how much i take for granted in my life in hippie-town.

annnyways… im about to embark on the epic journey that will be my final semester of undergraduate education… and im excited.

 

break update… the fifth

WINTER WONDERLAND 2008 IS IN FULL SWIIIING!!

thats right… for the past 2 days ive been playing with swords and doing dangerous things for a good 10 hours every day… and its been glorious.

i go back to boulder in 2 days!! wheeee!! it’ll be great to be back in my house with my…”family” again… and just to leave you all with a bit of stage combat humor…

a quote from an instructor whilst teaching smallsword technique “first, i engage her, then i beat her, deceive her, and then come inside her…”

(note… to “engage” blades means to have them touching but not yet attacking or parrying…

to “beat” refers to hitting the blade in order to open the defender up to an attack

to “deceive” refers to a deception of parry, when the attacker’s blade avoids an oncoming parry and either attacks in the same line or chooses a different target without letting up on the offensive)

the “come inside her” part… well… heh… i’ll leave that up to your imaginations.

 

number 4

so… after coming to the conclusion that i *am* in fact as desirable as a leper on fire… i think i’ll be okay… (read the last post if you’re confused…)

oh also… update… i’ll probably never see him again… because im pretty sure i scared him that bad… but… i guess im okay with that?? i dont even live here so… it was kindof futile… in a way, i guess it was “practice”

annnnnnnnnnyways… a couple nights ago when i was having a… “im not going anywhere, im just going to hide myself indoors, eat pizza, and watch TV (mainly food network and discovery) because im slightly crazy and should not be inflicted upon the outside world” kind of night, i became re-addicted to the Spring Awakening soundtrack( oh yeah… im *that* much of a ‘mo)

((for those of you who dont know, Spring Awakening is a new musical that won a hojillion Tony awards this year (including best musical and best original score) and its scandalous and wonderful and based off of a shit-stirring german play of the same title by Frank Wedekind, published in 1891))

annnyways… the score is *rocking* and was written by duncan sheik, which i was rather surprised at. for me, personally… i was kindof expecting to be terrible, so when i first heard the music, i was absolutely blown away because… it wasnt what i expected at all.

so… in my night of self-pity/self-hatred and comfort food… i got inspired in the shower while belting a song from the show to write a song myself.

now… i had been throwing this idea around in my head for a while, because in thinking about my thesis/degree project, i want it to be interdisciplinary, involving various elements of performance. the theatre part and dance/choreography/physical part i have pretty well mapped out, but i hadnt done anything with the music-element. and fortunately, i was struck with a bit of inspiration in the shower and sat down and… wrote a song!

now… all my life, i had thought that as far as singing/songwriting went, i was always a singer and not a songwriter… but… apparently thats shifting… and being both doesnt seem as completely daunting. the song itself is currently titled “who we are”. in my head, i envision it to be rather epic and a “singing out to the rafters” kind of deal (a la “Seasons of Love”…but not quite…) im currently trying to figure out how to record it onto my computer and make an MP3 so i can send it out to everyone that is working on my thesis production. its melodically pretty simple, but its a bit structurally wonky… and i kindof like that. i think songs get really boring when they have stereotypical verse/chorus/verse/ stuff going on…

so annnyways… it’ll probably go through a whole bunch of revisions before its actually performed…

also… to give a bit of context… my thesis is an exploration of beauty and violence, focusing on fighting and dance. the main question i want to ask is “can beauty be violent?” and “can violence be beautiful?” all of this kindof falls into a sort of… internal exploration and learning to hold space and acknowledging the duality and extremes that exist in the world.

but yeah… in a nutshell… swashing, buckling, and beautiful dancing (and now singing) in order to bring people to a higher level of consciousness and connectedness to the world around them.

sounds awesome, no? hehe yeah… im really excited about it.

annyways… here are the lyrics to the song… im currently imagining this song happening at a critical moment… like… someone getting killed onstage and it kindof being… incredibly emotional and slightly terrifying

lighting shift

and then the entire ensemble is on stage… and BAM… everyone is in tears because what theyre seeing is so beautiful and sad and touching and life-changing!!!

so there you have it. think of all that while youre reading the lyrics!

“who we are”
music and lyrics – earl kim

(Verse 1)
The knife that cuts
The hand that slaps
And you want to turn your head away in that moment

(Verse 2)
Wait, don’t watch now
Look away, don’t stare
Why do we turn our heads away in that moment?

(Chorus)
This is life
This is pain
This is love
This is hate

This is something that makes us
Something that makes us
Something that makes us Human

(Verse 3)
Where do we turn
When we cant watch
And everything slips away in a moment

(Verse 4)
Look closely now
Watch, and you will see
Humanity exists within in this moment

(Chorus)
This is life
This is pain
This is love
This is hate

This is something that makes us
Something that makes us
Something that makes us Human

(Bridge)
There are times for mourning
And times for joy
But then what’s in the middle?
Is there something more?

What happens when the words we know
Are no longer able to describe

(Bridge-ish?)
What we see with our eyes
What we feel in our hearts
And is it so hard to see
That it can all exist within me?

And though we don’t know
And though we are scared

(re-Bridge?)
There will always be shadows
There will always be light
There will always be beauty
And sometimes we’ll have to fight

(Chorus)
This is life
This is pain
This is love
This is hate

This is something that makes us
Something that makes us
Something that makes us Human

And… this is who we are.

 

break update… #3

wow…

sometimes i think im too awkward to be alive…

so… ive been hanging out with this guy the last couple of days… which has been alot of fun.  he’s so different from the people im used to hanging out with, but he’s… i dunno… he’s comfortable and confident in his own skin in a way that is incredibly rare and makes me want to spend more time with him, but simultaneously makes me really nervous (in a good way… in an exciting, butterflies-in-stomach kind of way).  annnyways… i made a gigantic ass out of myself in front of/to him last night right as the night ended.   i tried to kiss him goodnight from outside the minivan he was driving, but got *really* nervous, choked, and ended up awkwardly kissing his eye/side of his nose/parts of his face that i did not originally intend to shower my affection upon.  yeah… retrospectively… its rather hilarious, and maybe i can use it in a movie one day… but what made it even more awkward was that the minivan (that i had, moments before said disastrous kiss, been a passenger of) was FILLED with his friends…

so yeah… i made a gigantic awkward arse of myself in front of a whole bunch of people and the guy im totally crushing on.  how tragic.

also… please note… that this guy… is one of the “cool kids” or… i think he is…  well at least compared to my dorky, artsy-fartsy, nerdy, awkward self.

::sigh:: i constantly overanalyze… everything… im always too hard on myself… and i just cant seem to be able to stop judging myself and being so… in my head.

grrr… if ive learned anything about myself, its that im incredibly intolerant and impatient with myself… and the whole night i kept silently cursing myself for not having the courage to… well… i dunno… just *do something*

blarrrrgh…